Wednesday, January 30, 2013



Journal of P. Licinius Crassus (pt. 2)

7 Februaris 702 AUC
        We have finally finished the last stone tower.  For the last year and a half we have torn down the old defenses of this town and rebuilt them.  Now, I doubt five legions could take this town if it were protected by mere children. 
        We have built a solid stone wall some 70 stadia in circumference to enclose the city.  Stone towers are spaced all around the walls so that any attempt to assault the wall will be kept under constant fire by at least two towers.  Each tower is strong enough to support two ballistae which can pierce the armor of any siege engine that comes close enough to threaten the walls.  The tower gates can each support five ballistae and two onagri.  In short, this city would be extremely expensive to take, even for veteran troops with the best siege weapons. 
        We patrol the outer regions of this province with century sized patrols and have wiped out any form of organized banditry.  To aid in this process we are constructing a series of smaller garrison forts, little more than fortified barracks to provide a bit of rest after a long march for our patrolling troops.  Each century takes a turn marching the circuit, one day marching, one day working on improving the garrison buildings.  After the completion of a circuit, the century takes a few days leave.
Nearby desert tribes have learned to not harass caravans approaching or leaving the city alone lest we send out a force to teach them some manners.  While we can not guard caravans too far from our lines, if a caravan can get within a week or so of our outer forts, it is as safe as my newborn daughter in the arms of her mother. 

15 Martius 705 AUC
A most peculiar traveler came into the fortress today.  In dress and manners he was no different than any merchant prince or local lord but several points about him stand out.
First, and perhaps most unusual, he was traveling alone.  No attendants, no caravan, no bodyguards, nothing.  Even in the most peaceful lands this is an exceptional event, in lands that was so recently heavily troubled by banditry, it is sheer madness.  He must have some powerful gods protecting him to travel these lands with but a few weapons and a camel. 
Second, when he approached the fortress and requested a private audience with our legate, the guards did not inquire about his business but passed him on to their superiors.  Even when our praefectus castrorum met with the traveler, learned no more than his name, Tuar Tel’Quessir, a name unlike any of the known barbarians in the region, or of any of the merchants I have heard of in the last four years in this land.  Our praefectus castrorum, Gaius Horatus Cocles, is a good friend and I trust his judgment but he is also a veteran who would not normally pass on a visitor to me, the secretary of the legate, with so few details.
Thirdly, when I met with this man I was initial inclined to treat him as a local lord, he was certainly dressed as a man of quality without being boorish, as is the custom of these lands. 

I recount our conversation of this morning this night before I go to bed. 
 “Licinius, this man needs to speak with the legate, his business is most urgent.” Horatius rumbled.  Not his usual growl that would send a legionary or tribune about his business but one that announced a very important person was expecting my attention; certainly too much honor for a mere messenger reporting an attack on a caravan.
I looked up to evaluate this guest more closely.  His clothing indicated that he was someone of quality.  It was very well made and well cared for, of expensive, but not ostentatious, materials.  I judged him to be a very prosperous merchant, one who would be in charge of several caravan routes.
“What business does a caravan lord have with our legate?  Has one of your caravan been attacked?”  I respectfully asked.
The stranger looked me over, much as I had done him, save I had the distinct impression he was looking into my very soul.  It was most unnerving.  For a brief moment I could almost swear his eyes became like that of a cat’s but it surely had to be a trick of the light. 
“Publius Licinius Crassus, I have a proposal from my people to your people, one that should be heard first by your legate.”  The man’s voice was pure melody; with almost a feminine tinge to it.  It seeped into my skull and I could feel a strong desire to introduce this man to my legate. I closed my eyes and shook my head as if to ward off Hypnos, the god of sleep, and looked at him again.  I could almost swear there was a very feint widening of his eyes, but if so it was gone before I could be certain. 
“Respectfully noble sir, may I at least have your name?”  I knew I needed every scrap of detail about this man before I let him in to see the legate.
“In your language, my name sounds like Tuar Tel’ Quessir for I am merely the servant of my people.”  He bowed from the waist with the grace of an athlete in finest form. 
In part to keep myself focused on examining this man, I sat down and took up my quill, “What business do you need to speak with our legate about?”  I had to struggle to be properly official in tone, so deep was the desire to help this man with his every request. 
A very faint frown touched his lips at my question, it seems he was not used to being questioned by mere underlings.  “As I said, my people wish to make a proposal to your legate.”
“With deepest respects noble sir, if I merely tell the legate that someone has a proposal for him he will shove it to the bottom of the list of the many things he needs to pay attention to this day.  So if you could provide me with some details, I can make sure he gives appropriate attention to your proposal.”  The desire I felt to help this man seemed to be fading quickly; almost like a summer squall.  I was starting to feel like my usual self as the moments passed. 
“My people wish to see about hiring your small army for a very serious long term engagement.  We need to know if your legate is interested and what terms he might consider for undertaking this engagement.”  The man hid his displeasure with great skill, but there remained just a trace that I could detect.  Most nobles think they are Venus’ gift to whomever they are speaking with and when some mere pleb like me is not impressed, they are almost always beside themselves.  I could tell however that this man was no ordinary noble, more like a confident of a powerful king.  He was not merely a spoiled brat but a diplomat used to having other nobles tremble when he spoke. 
“Noble Tuar Tel’Quessir,” I rose and bowed, for the prudent man knows when to stop teasing a lion, “I will speak with our legate immediately.  I will ask him to meet with you for a few moments later today if that is satisfactory?” 
The man smiled faintly and nodded.
I had the man wait in the one of the hospitality rooms adjacent to the atrium while I went and spoke with the legate.  Licinius Calvus agreed to meet with him, briefly when I described the guest as a merchant lord of some sort.  One never knows about the people of this land.  They can be quite unpredictable in questions of honor.
The visitor and Calvus met for a few moments and initially was his typical polite but busy self.  After a few pleasantries, he seemed to take more interest in this stranger.  The stranger was unusually cryptic about his business, only that it was a proposal that would take some time to explain and that it should be discussed over dinner with the tribunes present. 
Despite the cryptic nature of the request, Calvus agreed to the meeting but that it would take a couple of days because one of the legates was inspecting one of the outer forts and would be summoned with great haste.  For Licinius Calvus to disrupt the normal schedule he had assigned his tribunes is most unexpected … and disconcerting. 
At the end of the conversation, I showed the stranger back to the gate, curious to see if I could get more information from him.  I failed.  He did ask if I could recommend a mansio where he could wait for a few days.  I directed him to Biashim’S, a maniso that I knew to be popular with many caravan leaders and merchants who pass through this city on a regular basis.  One in which I have several paid servants who provide me with important information.

16 Martius 705 AUC
        Yesterday after the stranger met with Calvus and I had failed to get more information from him, I resolved to question the legionaries who met him at the gate, as well as Gaius, in some detail about their encounter with this visitor. 
        Gaius Pullo and Quintus Bruttius were on that shift according to the duty postings.  There were no records of them ever being inattentive to their duties and Bruttius had been cited for valor in one of the battles with the local bandits about six months ago.  I had them brought to my office and questioned them, naturally they were most unnerved.  Once I assured them that they were not in trouble, they both recalled the stranger quite clearly.  They had judged him to be a noble based on his clothing, a reasonable assumption.  They both agreed that he was armed with a sword that was similar to our horsemen’s spatha but guessed that it was better designed for use by a footman with a small shield or dagger.  They described his bow as one similar to, but of much higher quality, than the type used by some of the nomads far to the east of us.  From his bearing and how he carried the weapons, they were quite certain that he was well skilled in the use of those weapons.  Like all visitors he had surrendered his weapons upon entering the fortress. 
        They both reported that initially they were merely going to take a message and have him return the next day but when they expressed that to him, they reported having a strange feeling of drowsiness and yet warmth and trust for this man.  When Pullo first mentioned this, the shock on Bruttius’ face told me that his confirmation of the story was unrehearsed.  It was only after they experienced that feeling did they feel the need to immediately take the visitor to see praefectus. 
        I am most disturbed by the fact that Horatus described, in almost the exact same words, a similar change in attitude towards this stranger when he was reluctant to pass him on to me.  I grow more concerned that this stranger might not be protected by strange gods but rather might be a venÄ“ficus.  I will have to speak with Calvus about my concerns, and see about getting some form of amulet to ward against the possibility.

17 Martius 705 AUC
        Calvus was unreceptive to the idea that our strange visitor might be a venÄ“ficus until I described the strange feelings that each of the people I questioned reported.  Calvus admitted to the strange shifting of opinion as he spoke with the stranger.  I told him that I had arranged for the stranger to stay at a maniso where I had informants and he is looking forward to my report on the stranger’s activities.  He still wants to go through with the dinner and dictated orders for each of the tribunes to be in attendance at the dinner.  He declined to invite any of the local notables as he wanted to know what this stranger was proposing before he made any decisions and local notables can be rather excitable at the most inappropriate times.  He also asked me to procure similar warding amulets for himself and each of the tribunes, just in case my concerns have some merit. 

18 Martius 705 AUC
        I was able to talk with my informants at Biashim’S today.  The stranger has spent the last two days exploring the city, inspecting various crafts and trade goods.  He has purchased a small number of trinkets, each something that would be easily carried but each trinket represented a different craft.  Each night, to the delight of the staff and fellow travelers, he has played a flute for a short while after his evening meal.  His meals have been light and he never touches beer or wine.  My informants reported that most of his time has been spent in prayer and meditation in his room.
        Most disturbingly, my informants report that efforts to find out more about him have been met with vague answers about seeking new trade items and if pressed about his business, they reported the same strange feeling of drowsiness and trust but this time coupled with a definite loss of interest in his affairs. 
        I have secured eight warding amulets from the local priests of Mithra.  They should be sufficient since he is the deity of law and contracts in this area.  I hope.  Even with the amulets, I look forward to tomorrow night’s dinner with a great deal of concern. 
       
20 Martius 705 AUC
        Last night’s dinner was most interesting.  It was a quiet affair with just the legate, the six tribunes, our guest, and myself.  Despite the apparent nobility of our guest, Licinius did not invite any of the local notables, he felt that Tuar Tel’Quessir wished privacy for his proposal.  And with good reason. 
        After each guest had been seated on their respective lectus triclinaris, with Tuar Tel’Quessir being placed in the most honored seat, the gustatio was served, and we got to know each other a bit.  Tuar Tel’Quessir was extremely curious about our ways and customs.  He confessed that he heard of our fighting skills from other sources and knew little of us beyond the rumors.  Rumors, he said, were so impressive that he felt compelled to travel several months from the distant north to come and see if they were true.   While we dined on the primae mensae, we had a very deep discussion of our tactics against barbarians and how we would fight different strange foes.  Many of these foes seemed drawn from Tuar Tel’Quessir’s very creative mind.  Some of the foes were the size of small men and weak in strength and organization but vast in number while others were the size of three men but slow of mind and few in number.  In all it was a very interesting conversation. 
        When the secundae mensae was served, Tuar Tel’Quessir made his proposal.  I recount the words as best I can remember after a full meal and several strong drinks.
        “Legate…” Tuar Tel’Quessir began as he reached for another apricot.
        “Please call me Lucinius, most of the local lords do so.”  Lucinius sipped from his goblet. 
        Nodding in agreement, “Lucinius, what would it take for you to march your army to my land and permanently enter the employ of my people?”
        “Tuar,” Lucinius stopped when Tuar Tel’Quessir stiffened ever so slightly.  “ahem, Tuar Tel’Quessir,” Lucinius quickly continued, as his guest relaxed, “we are technically slaves to the Parthians.  True they give us wide latitude but they still own us so for us to rebel and leave this land would not be easy.”
        “Forgive me Lucinius, I mean no disrespect is a mild form of slavery preferable to freedom?”  Tuar Tel’Quessir sipped from his own goblet. 
        “Certainly freedom is preferred, but if we were to suddenly leave the city, the Parthians would suspect rebellion and send an army after us.” Lucinius also sipped from his goblet. 
        “I am sure that if they knew you would be marching far beyond their lands and posed no threat to them would they not be willing to let you go?”
        “While they might, they have a long history of regional rebellions and are quick to suspect and quicker to respond forcefully.  While we are an impressive force, eventually they would follow and catch up to us.  Moving through the desert that surrounds this river valley we would have to have an extensive supply train and that would slow us considerably.” Lucinius picked up a slice of apple from the center table.
        “Not to mention we would have to take our families for they would be suspected and probably be put to death or held hostage.” Legate Petronius Aemilianus added.
        “Naturally I had assumed your wives and their families would come with you.  And you are right, it would be a slow force that would be possible for the Parthians to overtake but surely it would take them several months to assemble a force and march.” Tuar Tel-Quessir nodded in Aemilianus’ direction.
        “We have to make preparations, secure supplies, and convince our wives and their families to come.  All of which would alert the Parthians and give them time to raise the troops for a quick pursuit.”  Legate Modius Zeno added.
        “This of course begs the question of where is your land and how long will it take us to get there,” Legate Marcus Fadius began, “assuming that we are interested of course.”  Fadius took a quick sip from his goblet under Lucinius’ sharp stare.
        “The best way to reach our lands is to march north beyond the lands of the Iastae.  It would probably take you, with your families and necessary supplies, at least three months to reach the lands we have in mind for you.” Tuar Tel-Quessir took a couple of grapes from the center table.
        “North means that we will have to carry fewer supplies and might be able to replenish supplies from the local nomads if we are well coined in advance.” Legate Titus Postumius mused.
        “I think some of that could be arranged but it would take a bit of time.  Probably by the time you had assembled your wagons and other supplies, I could have sufficient coins to see to your safe passage through the nomads.  We have some dealings with them and have found that they can be reasonable for the right price.”  Tuar Tel-Quessir popped one of the grapes in his mouth. 
        “Once we begun preparing, word would reach the Parthian king and he would be most uneasy at our sudden leaving; we have defended this province and have suppressed local banditry and he would have to find replacement troops, assuming he didn’t send an army to kill us before we could complete our preparations.”  Legate Marcus Sulla added.
        “Perhaps I am negotiating with the wrong party?  Should I seek your master’s permission and pay him rather than you for your services?”  Tuar Tel-Quessir raised an eyebrow.
        “No, you are right to deal with us directly Tuar Tel-Quessir.  We Romans just like to plan things very carefully and think through all concerns before we take action.  Some agreement with the Parthian king will be necessary but I am sure that we can arrange that,” Calvus held his goblet up to be refilled by a slave.  “The only real question is how much gold and silver will he want to let us go.  As Marcus Sulla pointed out, we are providing him with a valuable service right now and if we leave these strong defenses without his having time to move replacements in, the local lords will probably rebel and cause him grief.”
        Tuar Tel-Quessir looked most unhappy at the apparent mounting costs of convincing us to come into the employ of his people.  “This wine is most delicious.  I am usually not fond of … local drinks,” he mused.  “Some of my people are in his court and can handle the matter to his satisfaction and make sure that you are free to leave.  We can take care of that while you make your preparations.” 
        “One question that has been in my mind most of this evening if I may Tuar,”  Legate Nigidius Figulus began.  Even though Tuar Tel-Quessir stiffened, this time quite noticeably, Figulus ignored the gesture, “you have asked a lot about our fighting skills and how we would handle a number of different mythical enemies.  This leads me to believe that you wish us for more than mere garrison duty in some frontier area of your lands.”
        Relaxing back into his lectus, Tuar Tel-Quessir pinned Figulus with a slightly chilled look.  “There is a large frontier area of our lands where savage tribes are currently living and increasingly they are raiding into our lands.  We are planning on settling a large number of mercenaries and their families in the area so as to act as a buffer zone.  We have approached your legion as the first of these groups because of your fighting and building skills.  We believe that you would be strong enough to build a city in the area and expand it, over time, to become a full client state able to secure our boarder.”
        Calvus chuckled, “So you are asking us to become a new Aeneas and his followers?  Or perhaps you would have me assume the role of Romulus?” 
        Tuar Tel-Quessir looked puzzled, “I do not know those men; I assume they are heroes of some importance?”
        “They are demigods and founders of our people. Aeneas lead our people from the ruins of Troy to Italia and Romulus built city of Roma.”  Calvus now looked directly at Tuar Tel-Quessir without the smallest hint of mirth.  I was barely able to stop myself from falling off my lectus as I listened to the exchange.
Tuar Tel-Quessir laughed a deep musical laugh, unearthly in its beauty.  “In short, yes.  That is exactly what my people are asking you to do.” 
        It was our turn to be astounded by his brazen suggestion.  Over the last five years we have built a life here and most of us had taken wives and had children.  My head swam with the idea of suggesting to my father in law that he abandon the land of his fathers and carry off his family to some distant land, for I knew my wife would not leave without her parents and probably not without her siblings.  Hopefully her brothers won’t want to come.   
Calvus was the first to recover, “If we accept this idea, what will your people provide us?  We know that you need our military skills and will provide us with land; and while good land will provide a solider with a retirement, it does not pay his wages while he is under the Standard.” 
“I can offer three times a soldier’s pay to each man for up to twenty years as well as good farm land upon retirement. For each centurion, the land necessary for a villa overseeing the farms possessed by the men he commanded for at least ten years.  For each tribune and for yourself we can work out an appropriate sum of either gold or silver in addition to what ever land you might consider necessary.”
“And the costs of the preparations for the journey.  Wagons and supplies will be expensive.” Calvus added.
“Done.”  Tuar Tel-Quessir nodded.
The rest of the evening was spent discussing other matters, such as the lay of the land we would be heading to and more discussions about the enemies we will face.  While I am inclined to believe some of the stories, others I find to be unlikely at best.  A savage foe that is numerous and filthy which are barely beyond the level of animals, and even the idea that they have tamed some form of large wolf to work as a war steed are believable.  The other ideas such as beasts as tall as three men and able to throw stones like an onager or men with the head of jackals like some Egyptian god I will reserve judgment about.

21 Martius 705 AUC
        The next few weeks will be exceptionally heavy work as we make plans, decide how many of our families will come, will we take just our wives and children or will we include the parents, siblings, and whole clans?  Will Tuar Tel-Quessir be able to make arrangements with the Parthian king as he has promised?
Thousands of details to attend to in the next few months.

Wednesday, January 23, 2013


Journal of P. Licinius Crassus (pt. 1)

My name is Publius Licinius Crassus, distant cousin to Marcus Lucinius Crassus Dives, Counsul and Censor of Roma, slayer of the vile slave Spartacus. 
        It is the 4th day of Quintilis in the 700th year since the found of Roma as reckoned by my mentor, Marcus Terentis Varro. 
        It has been three weeks since that vile creature Ariamnes, a chief of the Arab tribes in this area and “trusted” friend of Gn. Pompey Magnus, led our army into an ambush by the Parthian army. 
        Contrary to my prior beliefs that the Parthians were mere barbarians no different than the Cimbri or Teutones, or the various Celtic tribes of Gaul, the Parthians have been exceedingly merciful to the survivors of a shattered invading army. 
        For three weeks now the Parthians have been rounding up survivors and stragglers from our army.  They have been placing us in a single camp on the stream Balissus, a few miles from where we were initially engaged by their cavalry.  Our few medici have been given supplies and helpers to tend our many wounded.  While I believe more than ten thousand have been brought here, there have been many deaths due to wounds and infections.  Our captors have allowed us to show proper respect for each of our fallen.  A level of mercy that I had not expected from barbarians.
        Our surviving tribunes have been negotiating with our captors to determine our ultimate fate.  It is almost certain that we will be sold into slavery.  That is the usual fate for prisoners of war.  In all truth, I expect that the conditions of our slavery are the only real points of discussion

10 Quintilis, 700 AUC.
        For the last six days, we scribes have been gathering the names and conditions of the survivors.  Of the over forty thousand men who left Syria at the start of this campaign, 3 in 4 are dead or have fled in hopes of making it back to Syria.  Every cohort of every legion is represented among the survivors.  Not since cruel Hannibal sent so many of our finest across the River Styx on that day on the plains of a Cannae have we known such a bitter defeat.
        While our medici assure me that most of those who will die from their wounds or infections have already done so, nearly 4 in 5 of us in this camp remain under their close care.  The rumor is that as soon as we are fit to travel, we will be marched to a distant land.  What will happen to us then is in the hands of our new masters.

25 Quintilis 700 AUC
        The census of our numbers has finally been completed.  In total, counting all legionaries and support persons including cooks to blacksmiths, there are 8,364 survivors.  Now that most of us can at least walk a few miles a day with our injury we are to be sent to the province of Margiana, some 1,700 miles to the east.  At best speed, it will take us at least three months of hard marching to reach our destination.  We will either head strait across the high Persian plateau or move slightly north and move along the southern edge of the Hyrcania Mare to reach the deserts that separate the main Parthian empire from our new home. 

16 Sextilis 700 AUC
        Since starting our march 20 days ago, we have been formed into new contubernia and thus into new centuries and cohorts.  Even with the losses that come from long hard marches, we have 10 full cohorts, including a double strength 1st cohort.  We have formed two units of velites, each of cohort strength.  We even have all the necessary craftsmen and artisans to be a full strength legion. 
        While our guards were very skeptical to our reorganization, the improved speed that we are able to march, and the fact that we have no weapons, has led them to tolerate the decision of our new legate, Gaius Licinius Calvus Stolo, to reorganize us from a mob of slaves to something that resembles a disciplined force.  In reforming ourselves as a legion, we retain some small measure of self-respect.  We may be marching off to be slaves, but until that day we are citizens of Roma.

29 Sextilis 700 AUC
        We are now approaching the last range of mountains between us and Marginna.  Depending on the weather, we should reach our destination in a month or a month and a half.  While it is very early autumn, we hope to be through the mountains before the first snow. 
        In a stunning development, our tribune has secured permission for us to carry rudisi and scutum.  They appeared as by magic outside each of our tents this morning; eight rudisi, eight scutum; one for each person in the contubernia.  I am completely baffled by why our guards would allow slaves to have a practice sword and shield while we march into slavery, unless of course we are to become mercenaries rather than mere beasts of burden.  Even non-combatants, like myself, are being required to practice at least an hour each day after the day’s march with rudisi and scutum. 

29 Septembris 700 AUC
        We made excellent time through the mountains.  We are camped on a hill overlooking the city of Margiana.  It is a fairly large city but one lacking adequate defenses.  It seems that our famed skills in siege craft and building were a major reason for the Parthians to bring us to this distant land. 

3 Octobris 700 AUC
        We have camped outside the city and have begun building a permanent fort for ourselves.  Using that fort as a base, we will extend walls and defenses around the whole city. 
        When that task is completed, our Parthian masters have told us that those of us who wish it will be allowed to remain under arms as garrison troops and those who wish it can muster out with a small farm.  Our legate, breaking with tradition, has ruled that legionaries may take wives while still under the standard.  He feels that it would ease tensions in this city if 8000 new men, most of marriageable age, would not remain single.  Obviously we will have to conform to local customs.  I do not know if the local custom is for the groom to pay a brideprice or for the bride’s family to provide a dowery.  I think I shall have to investigate this … quickly.

Monday, January 21, 2013


Fabula Meus Patria

Darkness from the setting sun
Sickness weakens all
Ja’rn extinguishes immortal stars
Sta’l buries the halls of the stone brothers

A new star beyond the Veil
Sickness weakened; tempered by Ja’rl and Sta’l
Warrior king dead beyond the Veil
Reborn to die and be reborn

Birth awakens the stone brothers
Ascension summons children of Immortal stars
Serpent’s Children gather Ja’rl and Sta’l once more
Defeat eternal darkness; Victory reconquest begins

                Cilo, Mistress of history and lore long forgotten, I sacrifice that which I hold most dear and beg your aid in telling the tale I have to tell.
                I give a thousand head of the finest cattle to your temples to aid them in doing your most precious work.
                I give my father’s traveling writing desk to your high temple in Nova Roma.  This desk, crafted for my most ancient forefather who served as scribe to Lucinius Crassus on his ill fated venture into Parthia, has been passed down in my family since those days over a thousand years ago and has witnessed the entire history of our race in these lands.
                And, most precious, I give the only fruit of my loins, a newborn daughter, to your service.  May she grown to be a most faithful priest and honored scholar in your service.
                Clio, Mistress of history and lore long forgotten, I beseech you to guide my hand as I set quill to parchment and tell the story of my father’s land.

                It was at a gathering of Elvin nobles where the prophecy was first told.  It was so long ago that even the Elvin records are vague as to when it was first told.  Yet, we humans learned of this prophecy only when the last Elvin citadel had fallen to the Great Horde.
                It has been four hundred and fifty years since the Great Horde was shattered upon our spears.  Now word reaches us that a new horde is forming in the lands to the west.  It seems  prudent to piece together the story  of how we humans came to this world we call Patria.  As the Jutelander noble Owain White tooth, also called the Bear, gathers our armies to meet this new horde, I must wonder if we are watching the last line of the prophecy come to pass.  Rumors abound that the dwarves have returned to their lands in the mountains we call the Dwarvin Crowns but these are unconfirmed and any travelers seeking to entire those lands are never heard from again.  If my forefathers correctly translated the original Elvin documents, either we will be destroyed as the Elves and Dwarves were or we will shatter this horde as we did the last and begin the long process of retaking the lands that these foul creatures have occupied for the last five hundred years. 
                Our story begins with the journal of my most ancient forefather, Publius Licinius Crassus, and how the shattered remains of a might army were brought to our world and founded our first city.  From there I go through the stories of all of the different races of humankind that the Elvin wizards and priests brought to this land.  Then I will tell the tale of how this odd collection of humans formed the first Empire and how it lasted until the Great Sickness, which preceded the Great Horde by only a few years.  Then I will try to reconstruct the years from the end of the Horde War to the present times.  

Sunday, January 20, 2013

I was digging through some old files and found this bit of humor that I thought worth sharing.


HOW MANY DOGS DOES IT TAKE TO CHANGE A LIGHT BULB?

 Dog Responses:

Golden Retriever: The sun is shining, the day is young, we've got our whole lives ahead of us, and you're inside worrying about a stupid burned-out bulb?

Border Collie: Just one. And then I'll replace any wiring that's not up to code.

Dachshund: You know I can't reach that stupid lamp!

Rottweiler: Make me.

Boxer: Who cares? I can still play with my squeaky toys in the dark.

Lab: Oh, me, me!!!!! Pleeeeeeeeeze let me change the light bulb! Can I? Can I? Huh? Huh? Huh?  Can I?  Pleeeeeeeeeze, please, please, please!

German Shepherd: I'll change it as soon as I've rescued these people from the dark, checked to make sure I haven't missed any, and made just one more perimeter patrol to see that no one has tried to take advantage of the situation.

Jack Russell Terrier:  I'll just pop it in while I'm bouncing off the walls and furniture.

Old English Sheep Dog: Light bulb? I'm sorry, but   don't see a light bulb.

Cocker Spaniel: Why change it? I can still pee on the carpet in the dark.

Chihuahua: Yo quiero Taco Bulb.

Pointer: I see it, there it is, there it is, right there

Greyhound: It isn't moving. Who cares?

Australian Shepherd: First, I'll put all the light bulbs in a little circle.

Poodle: I'll just blow in  the Border Collie's ear and he'll do it. By the time he finishes rewiring the house, my nails will be dry.

 The Cat's Answer:

 "Dogs do not change light bulbs. People change light bulbs. So, the real question is: How long will it be before I can expect some light, some dinner, and  
 massage?"

 ALL OF WHICH PROVES, ONCE AGAIN, THAT WHILE DOGS HAVE
 MASTERS, CATS HAVE STAFF.



 What is a Cat?

 - Cats do what they want.

 - They rarely listen to you.

 - They're totally unpredictable.

 - When you want to play, they want to be alone.

 - When you want to be alone, they want to play.

 - They expect you to cater to their every whim.

 - They're moody.

 - They leave hair everywhere.

 CONCLUSION: They're tiny women in little fur coats.



 What is a Dog?

 - Dogs spend all day sprawled on the most comfortable piece of furniture in the house.

 - They can hear a package of food opening 1/2 a block away, but don't hear you in the same room.

 - They can look dumb and lovable all at the same time.

 - They growl when they are not happy.

 - When you want to play, they want to play.

 - When you want to be alone, they want to play.

 - They leave their toys everywhere.

 - They do disgusting things with their mouths and then try to give you a kiss.

 - They go right for your crotch as soon as they meet you.

 -CONCLUSION: They're tiny men in little fur coats.